Life is odd sometimes-Has anyone had a similar situation?

Natalied replied:

So sorry to hear your news. You are right life is odd sometimes, we have just gone through a very similar situation in our immediate family recently & have found it hard to understand why the relative put himself in a nursing home 12 months ago & did not notify his elderly brother or want us to tell him.

It is times like these where you look at what/who you have around you & stop & think how lucky you are.

Good to see that this situation is keeping you & your daughter strong for each other. You must think of the good times you had earlier & cherish the wonderful times you do have with Mollie.

Keep smiling & don't forget that we are all here if you do need to talk any more.

kathymollie replied:

Thanks Natalie for reading and responding to my post....l really appreciated your post....it amazes me sometimes on this forum that many can read a post but only a few at times respond...

Sometimes it makes me wonder why l bother to express my feelings on a topic/isssue (this time on something that was most upsetting in my life)...it makes me feel some just dont care...so why bother responding.

Oh well.....I wish you Natalie a happy mothers day with your family and to all the mums on this site...have a fab day.

Kirstin replied:

Kathy, I was one of the 'lurkers' who read but did not reply to your post, but you've pricked my conscience! I guess part of the reason I didn't respond was that I was so shocked by your story I didn't really know what to say. Your mother's behaviour was so bizarre.

Without wishing to be rude, your mother must have had some serious personailty issues to act as she did. I'm just glad that you and your daughter seem to have escaped this chapter in your life with your sanity relatively intact... there are a lot of things to get bitter and twisted over when a close relative turns on you so unjustifiably. Unfortunately I think we have all experienced this to some extent... family feuds can orginate in a greivance that has been nursed for 50 years and suddenly and unexpectedly bursts out, hurting people who weren't even born when the original incident took place. This recently happened in my father-in-law's family, leaving us all a little stunned.

I hope that you can forgive your mother and get over this very sad ending to your relationship. You've reminded me to try to concentrate on the positive and not dwell on the negative. I want to be a happy old woman, surrounded by friends and family, so your story is a lesson for us all.

CKCath replied:

Many elderly choose religion over family at the end. It was good that your mother found what she was looking for, it is a pity that she chose to lose you and your daughter at the same time.

I don't understand why the nursing home did not call you even though she did not ask.. that seems cruel to me.

I hope you mother has found her peace and that you and Mollie can now find it in your hearts to remember the bests bits of having her around, and not dwell on the sadder side of it all. It is sad to lose a relative like this, but sadder to lose good memories at the same time.

I am sorry for your loss, i hope that you have good people around you to help you and Mollie through this difficulttime.

BABY0206 replied:

hi kathy, im so sorry about your mother and your loss. I think we just have to remember that we only control our own actions and sometimes people go their own ways for reasons unknown to us.

I tend to believe that sometimes as people get older they lose themselves and the person that they were before, whether by illness or just personality change but we cant forget who they were. the goodness that was there.

Remember your mum for the good times and hopefully you can take a breath and move on with your daughter in a positive way.

(Hope that makes sense. )

Good luck and just remember there are people to talk to.

Kim

jazzyjools replied:

Hi Kathy,

Sorry to hear about the passing of your Mother.  Life can be difficult at times through no fault of our own.  It sounds as if you did all you could for your Mother.  When people are in their older years they can become very selfish and it seems to part of the ageing process.  It is a shame that she did not appreciate all you did for her.  At least you are not holding a grudge and you can now move on freely into what ever the future brings for Molly and yourself.  Try to remember the special moments you did share with her and I wish you love and hugs at this difficult time.  Julie  xx

Kylie87 replied:

Hi Kathy,

I read your post but didn't reply because I was speechless, I haven't encountered a situtation like this... yet.

I'm sorry I didn't reply to this topic sooner but I had no idea what to reply with.

I am sorry for your loss.

plainjayne replied:

Hello, I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss. Reading what you said about your mother, I got the impression that she was strong minded and set in her ways. Often the elderley do not like to change their minds and relent on their feelings or beliefs. I am sure that she loved you and your daughter very much and that you were not far from her thoughts. But maybe see the situation as a proud woman who didn't want any fuss. MAybe she thought that you had done enough for her.  Religion and the elderley are a hard one to crack! lol And although there was no contact, you can at least be happy in the fact that she is at peace now. She obviously raised a loving, caring and loyal daughter for you to have done what you did.  Remember the good times. Take care

candlelover replied:

Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss. Know that I am thinking of you and Mollie at this time. Take care. 

I recently went to the funeral of my friends sister. She has 4 children (2 to one partner, 2 to another). She was a single mum and the 2 youngest (3 & 4) lived with her here in Vic, the 2 older ones (9 & 10) lived with their father in Qld. My friend wanted to pay for the older ones air tickets so they could come to their mums funeral. Their father was OK with this and was going to come with them. Sadly it didn't work out as my friends mum said that she didn't want him (childrens father) at her daughters funeral. To cut a long story short, these poor children have missed out on farwelling their mother because of the selfishness of their grandmother at a time when you should put your differences aside. Not only has she done this but has now taken the other two back to Qld with her without their fathers knowledge. (Long story, mother and father estranged but father still had visitation)

It makes me think of what others have said in that when people get older they become very selfish and set in their ways but it's sad that it has to come to that. I just hope that her children can grow up knowing how much they meant to their mother.

kathymollie replied:

Thanks too everyone who has responded to my post...knowing that you are here and to read your words and advice has really touched my heart....

Definately will be giving my gorgeous daughter Mollie a great big hug and kiss tonight.....and thanking the lord that l am in no way like my (adopted) mother....who if she knew better, would have hopefully done better...........

Angel replied:

Hi Kathy,

This is the first time in over a week that I've been in here, so I have only just seen your post. How very sad for you and Mollie, I'm sorry you had to go through it. Older rels can behave quite oddly can't they? I think they do tend to get a bit selfish as they get old too - I mean time and attention selfish, not with money. I know my elderly Mum is getting a little bit that way.

They seem to develop a dependancy on others - although they would never admit that. With my Mum, it's on us - with your Mum, it seems to have transfered from you to the nun - who I might add, does not seem to have acted appropriately at all.

I can understand your frustration and disappointment with her, but I'm glad you and Molly are coping so well now.

kathymollie replied:

Thanks Kerrie for your kind thoughts..

And yes dont get me started on the Nun....OMG.....she was made POA, etc...etc.....I could go on but l would be here all day.........

Most definately inappropriate behaviour....................Oh well..what do they say the catholic church just keeps getting richer and richer.............

Mmmm...is this the way they go about it................It makes ones mind boggle..........

Angel replied:

I think that sort of thing is really a conflict of interest - but can you even accuse a nun of that? An elderly man who lived around the corner from me did the same thing - only with him it was the nurse who came to do home care. She had him totally hood-winked and he left her his house and money. His nieces (next of kin) got nothing, and it would have cost them way too much to fight it in court. They even went onto a TV current affairs programme about it, but I don't think they ever got it sorted. Pity there couldn't be a law against it - but it would be very hard to prove.

Kala replied:

I myself was adopted, and my adopted father and his older sister (only siblings) didn't quite see eye to eye.   Several years ago when she was diagnosed with colon cancer, her family placed her in a hospice.  My Dad tried to go and see her (a trip of over 500 km) and was refused entry, her husband had listed him as someone not to be let in to see her.  She passed 2 days later.  (BTW Family of Catholics, except me).

So I certainly feel for you in your situation, knowing what my father went through never being able to reconcile himself with his only sister, both their parents have passed, their father when Dad was 14.

Yes its definately hard, and totally understandable that you're confused and upset as to what happened with your Mum.  Hang in there, it will get better, time heals so much.

Kara :)

kathandkids replied:

Hi Kathy,

I am so sorry to hear of both your loss and confusion. Other people's decisions often leave us completely bewildered, and the behaviour of your late mum (and to be honest - the nun) is obviously one of these situations.

I know that this is slightly off track, but can I  ask why you keep mentioning 'adopted'? As an adopted child myself, I would never think to refer to members of my family as my adopted family, so I am curious to understand.

Take Care of you and yours xo

kathymollie replied:

Hi Kath....

Clarification on why l mention "adopted"...a number of reasons.....1.My mum that passed actually treated my deceased brother and l as property and possessions rather than family 2.  I wasnt told l was adopted until the age of 32 when my deceased dad told me...and boy did he suffer for passing the "secret" onto me...my mother paid out on him regulary..as the "catholic church" so the story goes had told them Never to tell any one....ever.  3.  Despite me asking the question about heritage....during my midwifery training .(l have a small spina bifida which could have been passed onto my children).....my mum continued to lie to me .....4.  As children we were locked in our bedrooms for long, long periods of time..with no friends...as they were a unneccessary outside influence...this continued until the age of 16...

I could go on...BUT....despite all this and much more l still forgave my mother...and took her into my home when she needed care and attention...for over 12 months...l lost wages whilst l cared for her with very little gratitude in return.

I guess l mention adopted because l am not like her..l thank goodness l am a very different person....l value my friendships and always give praise, love and encouragement to Mollie....something l never received.

I have found my natural family...brother and sister (in NSW)...but unfortunately by the time l was able to track down my biological mother she had already passed away...leaving me no chance to find my father.

I  know that my mother her died last week...would have done better if she knew better...at least l hope in my heart ,that would have been the case.

I will have mixed feelings at the funeral tomorrow....ones of sadness for her passing, sadness for her not being the nice nanna to my Mollie and confusion reigns as to why she treated us with such disdain towards the end.. I can only surmise that outside influences played a part..yes they are hovering...people that only

knew her for 12 months..in the wings.....circling like vultures.

magic1 replied:

Hi Kath, I am so sorry for your loss and sadly for your mothers loss as well.  This is a woman that chose to take you into her life many years ago, and only you know if your time together as you grew up was a happy time. I hope your daughter has  good times to remember  that she may have shared with her granma, before she got too ill and what you may see as hostile. I cannot pretend to know what thoughts ran through your mothers mind in the last months of her life, but maybe she was scared and found it hard to let you see this, the nun would have taken over the nursing and hopefully was only trying to help your mother to come to terms with what was eventually going to happen. Sadly it seems that the decision that you should have been part of in putting your mother in a nursing home was taken out your hands and it would be interesting to find out who was named as her next of kin as this person would have been notified.

I realize that your mother did not get to make peace with you at the end and this would have been on her mind at the end unless your mother was suffering from mild dementia. You now need to work through your anger and grief and eventually you will come to accept, maybe not completely, but to some extent, that in this case you have done everything to show that you were a loyal, loving daughter and that when you were really needed, you were there. From here in, you can only raise your daughter to belive that in the end, family is what matters, no matter what has passed that in the end family is all you really have. I tell my children that one day when it is my turn to leave this world that they are the ones that will really know how the other is  feeling and so no matter what happens during their lives i will want them to be there for each other. You and your daughter are there for each other and together you will grow stronger and move on, don't rush it or brush it off, just know that though you will not forget her there will come a time where it will not consume your every thought. I do go on, and i don't mean to give you a sermon, but having lost so many members over the years, i know that the special ones are constantly in my thoughts but that i can move on and sometimes i still feel sad and i accept that too. Any way i wish you and your daughter a Happy Future.

ejsmum replied:

Kathy, you've hit the nail on the head when you said that you hoped if your mother knew better, she would have done better - your experiences have obviously shown you the kind of mother and person that you want to be, and it is wonderful that you want so much more for your daughter than you yourself had growing up. Many people in this situation would perhaps have followed the example they were given, because they were never shown another way.  And the Catholic church certainly does have its methods for controlling and manipulating its congregation - but let's not open that can of worms for discussion!

I'm sure that tomorrow you will feel a whole lot of conflicting emotions, but I certainly hope that you do feel a sense of closure.

Take care

Chelsea

kathandkids replied:

Oh Kathy, what a heartbreaking situation for you. Adoption is such a huge issue with emotions tied to it that many could never quite comprehend unless adoption was a part of their lives. Like you, I made contact with my biologial family. I met my natural mother (we have soooooooooo many similarities it was spooky), but unlike you, she did not compare to my 'Mum'. I was incredibly blessed to be adopted into a loving and openly honest family. My Dad was a foster child and my Mum was beaten as a child so they made concious decisions to be open not only with love, but with information too (I was told that I was adopted before I even went to school). They had three sons of their own and adopted me at six weeks old, when their sons were 10, 12 and 14. (Mum was beaten because she was a girl, so she always wanted a girl to "give what she never had".)

Adoption was a true blessing in my life, and I am so very sorry to hear that it was the opposite for you. It is, however, plain to see that you have an amazing relationship with your own daughter, and like my parents, you are obviously determined not to repeat the mistakes of your parents.

I have a great article (it was actually the Thesis of a woman with both adopted and biological daughters). It is called 'Primal Wound - the legacy of an adopted child'. If you ever want to read it, let me know and I would be more than happy to send a copy to you.

Sorry to ramble on. Thanks for explaining things to me. I now understand completely and I think that your level of forgiveness is inspiring. I hope that everything goes well not only at the funeral, but forevermore, as you leave that negative aspect of your life behind and press on with the wonderful achievements of the future. Take Care xoxo

marina replied:

Dearest Kathy,

I know what you have been through and my heart goes out to you and Mollie.

The past is the past and we cannot change it.. Your adopted mum made some lousy choices that have obviously hurt you,, why she did that we will never know.

you have a great life now with a wondeful daughter and a whole new chapter in your life to begin

Lot of love always

marina