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Discussions : Off your chest... : Humpf
biancaj wrote:
This isn't to do with party plans, but I do need to get it off my chest... It might get a bit long so I apologise before hand!
Last night my DH asked if I had laid out his clothes for the next morning. I told him no, then he told me to expect ALL the lights to come on in the morning while he gets his clothes out. He is telling me this as he gets into bed. I said well I am not your maid. He then said: You shouldn't have started a precedence if you didn't intend on following through.
What The???
I then get up (much to my own horror), get his clothes out and get back into bed.
Why didn't I just tell him to (insert swear words here). Before this happened I put some water next to his bed and when he got there he said 'whats this' 'its the water you wanted'. Then he said 'I will drink more than that, can you get me more?' I was laying in bed, he was standing next to it. I said NO, he went off to the fridge and mumbled under his breath all the way... (hence me saying I am not your maid).
In his defence he is working long hours on a shutdown (gets up at 5am, then home after 7:30pm), but does that mean he has the right to treat me like that? Am I over-reacting?
Also, two days ago I told him that I have an appointment with a home day care lady. It is next to impossible to get child care up here (i have a 2.5 yo and an 11mo) and I desperately need a break. I told him that I could probably get both boys in for one day a week. He plain out told me no. He said that in MAY he will be back to a normal shift (which is not guaranteed at this point) and he will be home more to help out. Well my darling, you never helped out before when you were on shift, what makes it different this time? We can definately afford it, and surely one day a week for 6 hours max is going to benefit both me and the boys?
I am just feeling a little lost... Should I stand up for myself and tell him what I really think, or should I just 'go with the flow' like usual. It feels like I am 13 and fighting against my parents authority.
I think I personally need a break. I am doing Curious Kids and have sent of the application form for another company. I am studying part time and doing the housework etc, looking after the boys and I have just been told I have glandular fever (and if that isn't a call for rest I don't know what is!).
HELP!
Kelly replied:
I believe you have every right to be annoyed. Setting a precedence??? Its not the 1950's!!
Yes - he is working long hours. Yes - I'm sure he's tired because of that. But that is no excuse for treating you that way. I believe that in marriage both are equal partners and should be treating each other accordingly.
Personally, there is absolutely no way I would be laying out his clothes or going to get more water. You are not his mother for heavens sake. In saying that, I admit I do make my DH's lunch for him but I'm also making the childrens lunches plus he's in the lounge room ironing his own work shirts (and these are business shirts!).
As for the needing a break - i fully relate to that. We do need time to ourselves. As much as I love and adore my family at times I just need to be me - not someones partner, not someones mother. If he says no to daycare, is it possible for a friend or relative to watch them for a hour or so?
I have this thing with my eldest child where she tells me I do nothing for her and she does everything. I say to her lets sit down and make a list of who does what and for who and we'll see who does everything. Not sure you can do the same with a husband but.... some men are still children!
Glandular fever! Big hug! That can be horrible. I hope you are feeling much better soon.
Hennypenny replied:
Oh Bianca,
You are going to run yourself into the ground if you do not take a break and start putting yourself on your own "to do" list.
Obviously with the hours that your hubby is working, he must be very tired, and understandably so.
BUT - How many hours do you work? 24 - with no breaks. As a mum you are always on call with no designated shift change.
You need to sit down that hubby of yours and point this out. PRONTO!!!
You are absolutely not his maid. You are meant to be partners and share the workload, or if that is out of the question - he needs to at least show some respect for the amount of work you do by keeping the house and looking after the children.
I know many single parents that get more of a break than you do.
I have been down your road myself- having to explain how much I do to my hubby who does the "real work" that the house does not actually clean itself and the kids are not just playthings for my leisure.
We have no family in town for any babysitting breaks so I understand exactly what you are talking about.
He does not get to tell you NO to one day a week reprieve. You do not live in a dictatorship.If he has reservations about it, he is welcome to put his case forward (as can you) and then you can have an adult discussion about it.
Bottom line is that if you were to become ill (perhaps due to stress)- who then looks after the kids, house and him?
Remind him of this. He needs to appreciate what you contribute to the family.
After our recent chat -my hubby is now designated the chore of cooking dinner every night.
He chose this job after I gave him a list of options to choose from.
Good Luck !!!
biancaj replied:
Thanks for letting me vent... it was needed!
Thanks for your replies too. After I wrote it all I was thinking if it was somone else asking for advice, what would I say to them? I would say 'Stand up for yourself!' So its what I am going to do.
I have just seen the day care lady and she can take Devon every friday and Cameron every second friday, and the price is reasonable, so I don't care what DH says, I'm doing it!
I will be able to schedule parties in on the days without the boys, and its only for 4 hours, so I will enjoy the most of it!
Will definately have a chat with DH, but just have to pick the right time (if there is one lol). That way we both wont get more stressed than we need to be.
Thanks again!